Another Conversation

 You've been gone for two years. It'd be nice to have you back for the holidays, but to be honest what I really want is just another mundane conversation with you.

TWs: Gonna be talking about grief. We'll see about my usual healthy dose of irreverence.

I'm sitting in the den and writing this. I remember if I was here when I was growing up and I wanted to find you, this was the room I'd come to. And you'd be sitting here, in this chair, getting some work done (or sometimes playing video games).

I remember the kinds of computer games you liked. Doom and stuff. I remember how organized you always were with your calendars and everything. Grandma still has your system in place here, all the information you need, the numbers tacked up, everybody's birthdays written down.

The first Christmas without you, I told the family that 30 was hard. And they laughed, because yeah, 30's not that old. I know that part gets harder. That wasn't what I meant. 30 was hard because we'd never had to do this without you before.

I'm trying to make sure they're taken care of. I can't be stoic like you. If I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry, but I think maybe that's alright. Because I can't take care of them like you did. I have to take care of them like I do.

Really, we're taking care of each other. Admittedly most of what I'm doing is checking in and making sure everyone is alright.

I wish you were still around to meet your grandson. Everyone is going to think I'm naming him after you because you're gone, but I'd have done that anyway. You're not here in person, but Rowan will still have your influence in his life from everyone you raised in our family.

It's not a substitute for what you'd have had to say about raising a child, though. I wish I could ask you about that. I wish I'd thought to do so while you were still here.

Just. Another normal conversation. An ordinary day.

I'd trade a lot for it, but I don't actually have anything that would be worth it. Nothing the powers that be would take in exchange. We're just going to have to wait and I'll get your notes later.

30 was hard.

Just not for the reasons they thought it was.

And I think it's all going to be hard because every time anything happens I have a moment where I think I need to tell you. And then I realize I can't. I don't think that's going to stop at any point. But at least I know I haven't forgotten. I could never.

Halloween's right around the corner. I'm going to try to make sure I get some good videos of it. You were always right there with the camera.